


Drowning in Love (or something of the sort)

by fluorescencx



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Fluff and Humor, Getting Together, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Mini-Fic, Mutual Pining, Pranks, Sirius is in love, Story within a Story, remus is a smartass, tbh so is remus, they're just really in love okay?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:28:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22433398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluorescencx/pseuds/fluorescencx
Summary: In which Peter really doesn’t want to take the Charms exam, Sirius floods the school, there are fish in the tap-water and it’s all Remus’ fault. Sort of.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 133





	1. There's a Goldfish in my Glass of Water

**Author's Note:**

> A mini-fic written from a prompt:  
> “The marauders try to turn a classroom into an aquarium to get out of a test, but it backfires horribly and floods the entire school”

“Bollocks!” James’ shout comes echoing from the open door of the bathroom. His stomps come shortly after, echoing gradually louder until he comes storming into the dormitory, glass of water in his hand. “Once!” he cries, sounding rather unhinged. “Just for one _single day_ I want to open a tap without a bloody _fish_ falling out. What does a man have to do for a single bloody glass of water?” He looks around the dormitory, eyes crazed. Remus, Sirius and Peter exchange uneasy glances.

He holds up his glass, revealing the small goldfish swimming circles around the rim. Remus notes that even the fish appears alarmed. “I am _sick and tired of fish!_ ”

Sirius nods slowly. “Right you are, mate. We feel the same.”

James’ gaze snaps to him and Sirius flinches, raising his hands above his head cautiously. Remus levitates the glass out of James’ hand milliseconds before it flings out to point at Sirius. “Don’t you for _one second_ act innocent. This is your fault.”

“Technically,” Sirius corrects, “it’s Pete’s fault.”

Peter looks panicked to be brought into the conversation. “It was James’ idea!”

Remus conjures a fish bowl onto his bedside table and tips the glass to let the fish fall in. It swims in gleeful circles, grateful at the space. “To be fair,” he remarks calmly, “it was mostly my doing.”

The four Marauders exchange glances, unsure now who exactly to lay the blame on.

“Fine, then,” Remus says, “let’s settle this. Pete, why do you think it’s James' fault?”

Pete straightens, clearing his throat nervously. “Well, it all started with Professor Flitwick, yeah?” The goldfish circles its bowl, blissfully unaware of the chaos it was born from. “So let’s start there.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://riddleandpottersittinginatree.tumblr.com)


	2. Why it Definitely Wasn't Peter's Fault

“It was a week before the Charms midterm exam, and I wasn’t pleased at the idea of it.”

 _“Wouldn’t stop_ whining _, more like.”_

_“Let him talk, Sirius, won’t you?”_

“I hadn’t been studying, because all you prats spent the first few weeks distracting me, so I wasn’t prepared at all. I was scared to fail, y’know, but I was ready to fail. Isn’t like I’m not used to it, after all. So I spent that week before cramming every second I got, and _James_ , of course, didn’t like that my studying was taking away from our fun.

“He wanted to prank the Slytherins and I didn’t have time to participate in all of your scheming or even want to help at all. Won’t matter if I’m expelled if I can’t even pass bloody _Charms,_ I thought, so I studied and you all went on with your planning. James wanted my help and I kept telling him to _bugger off, already,_ so he’s the one who came up with the stupid idea in the first place.”

_“Whose idea are you calling stupid?”_

_“Shut up, won’t you? A bloody hypocrite you are.”_

“James wasn’t even worried about the exam; he scored O without even trying. He was just bored and Sirius is constantly itching to encourage him so I was dragged into the entire mess. All _I_ wanted to do was study for the Charms exam and pass like the rest of you. Remus was even helping me! Then James had to go and mess everything up.

“He came to me in the dormitory five days before the exam complaining that I’d been too busy to pay any attention to my friends. I said, ‘If you would help me with this bloody exam I wouldn’t need to be so distracted,’ and James said, ‘What do you think would happen if we spared the entire year of the stupid exam altogether?’ And I said, ‘Yeah, that sounds like a grand idea,’ because I’m the only lad alive who’s thick enough to listen to James Potter. So James and Sirius abandoned their plot to fill the Slytherin common room with pygmy puffs and turned their minds to more important matters: putting an end to the Charms exam.

“So Remus halfheartedly disapproved like he always does, and James and Sirius wholeheartedly threw themselves into planning like they always do, I stopped studying and the fate of my Charms grade as well as the balance of the grading system as a whole rested entirely on our plan.”

_“And a brilliant plan it was.”_

_“Sure, until I nearly swallowed a goldfish.”_

_“Twice.”_

_“Shut it, Moony.”_

“So there it is. It wasn’t my fault at all. _I_ was planning to study and fail the bloody test with my head held high-”

_“And your wormtail between your knees.”_

“-but James and Sirius wouldn’t let me off that easy. Had to make it a prank like they always do. And _that_ is how James manipulated me into drowning Hogwarts and unleashing a squid in the Great Hall.”

_“It was a rather handsome squid. I think you did well.”_

“So, James Potter, it’s your turn. Please show us how you can possibly manage to pin this on Sirius.”

The goldfish circled its bowl, blissfully unaware.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://riddleandpottersittinginatree.tumblr.com)


	3. Why James' Plan was Technically Foolproof

James clears his throat, straightening up on his bed and preparing to give the defending argument of a lifetime. This will be greater than the time he had to talk McGonagall into letting him off of detention for the Gryffindor quidditch match. This will be greater than the time he convinced Mum to let Sirius stay over the summer and he _swore_ that they wouldn’t get into any trouble. (Three weeks later they had already blown up the trash bin, accidentally spelled James’ cat bright blue and broken Sirius’ arm. Twice.)

But this wasn’t like any of those times, because this time he was _right,_ and this time he had his pride and dignity on the line.

James doesn’t screw over pranks. He never has and he never will. This was _absolutely, resolutely, without a singular doubt,_ all Sirius’ fault.

His plan had been foolproof.

“For my opening statement, I would like to note that we were a quarter of the way through the year and hadn’t yet pulled a single prank worth noting. The pygmy puff operation was supposed to be the big one, but we couldn’t pull it off with only two and Remus was too busy tutoring Peter for either of them to help at all. Sirius and I were lone rangers, carrying the crushing responsibility of wreaking havoc on our backs all alone, and neither of us are very bulky, see? I’m a seeker, you know. We were left all alone. No one but each other to watch our backs…”

_“Oh, get on with it, you melodramatic prat.”_

_“No, no, I’m quite curious how he’ll manage to turn this against me.”_

James clears his throat loudly. “As I was saying. We didn’t have enough manpower to even _get_ the pygmy puffs from Hogsmead, let alone make it into the Slytherin common room, dump them, and get out of there unseen. Two men simply aren’t enough for such an elaborate mission—something needed to be done.

“But I, being the loving and appreciative friend and fellow Marauder that I am, could never allow Pete to fail a test for my gain. So, the pygmy puff operation was postponed and my brilliant mind cooked up something even better. It surpassed the pygmy operation in every way. It was more impressive, more of an inconvenience, more of _everything_ , and Pete, a kind and selfless comrade, agreed to help us in our escapades.

“In theory, the plan was genius. If Sirius hadn’t been so bloody _clumsy_ it would have gone beautifully, perfectly executed, but Sirius botched my masterpiece and now the entire school smells like the coast.”

_“For the last time, it wasn’t my fault.”_

“Shut it, you’ll get your turn soon enough. 

“We spent the rest of the week dedicating all of our time to this plot, and the day before the exam we had ironed out every kink, smoothed every wrinkle, it was _genius_. The work of masterminds, it was.”

_“Just tell us the bloody plan. We all know you’re itching to brag about it.”_

“I will, thank you.

“Twas the night before and we were in our places, ready to strike. The plan had started out rather simple, but in the name of mischief, we improvised. The actual aquarium was only meant to fill the Charms classroom. Everything was charmed waterproof—and that’s basically a Charms exam already, isn’t it?—so nothing important would be damaged or waterlogged.”

 _“Wouldn’t want to give them an excuse to_ actually _boot us, after all.”_

“Right you are, sir. We’d taken the necessary precautions, arranged the room as we liked it, and prepared for the next step.

“That was supposed to be the extent of the prank, but good ol’ Pete and I got to talking—didn’t we, Petey?—and decided that we could do even better. Now, I will admit, this is where our judgement may have become a bit skewed, but common-sense is Remus’ strong suit, and he was paired up with Sirius making sure he didn’t blow the classroom up. Peter and I planned this bit on our own.”

 _“It_ was _sort of brilliant, wasn’t it?”_

“You’re damned right it was. And _our_ part went precisely according to plan. If it had been just Pete and I no one would smell like seafood at all.

“It’s mating season for the Great Lake, you know, as the mermaids and grindylows and giant squid run at different temperatures. Everyone had already heard that somehow the giant squid got knocked up, yeah? And that the professors were planning to extract the babies soon to move them to another habitat. Don’t need a whole family of them, after all. That would be disastrous. So Petey and I decided we’d help out a bit. It wouldn’t hurt anything, after all, not even the squid.

“We all took the invisibility cloak, dropping Sirius and Remus off at the classroom while me and Pete continued on outside and down to the lake. It wasn’t too hard of a spell to pull off, really, and the prank wasn’t hard at all once we’d gotten the thing shrunk. So we just coaxed one of the babies over—”

_“Some baby! It was bigger than a troll!”_

“—and shrunk her down. We put her in the little ingredients box I’d emptied out and filled it up with an _Aguamenti_ , and all was well. Under the cloak we went, through the doors and into the Great Hall, then we set her down nice and gentle in front of the staff table and returned her to her normal size, blowing up the box with her. It was spelled clear, you know, so it looked as if she was bobbing within a cube of hovering water. It made us look much more impressive than we were.

“And there we had it! A miniature squid—”

_“Miniature he says!”_

“—hovering at the front of the Great Hall, there for everyone to wake up to. It wasn’t much, but we were following the theme, and it _was_ a bit spooky if you weren’t prepared for it.”

_“It was spooky even if you were.”_

_“I still don’t see what any of this has to do with_ me _.”_

“What it has to do with you? Pads, this has _everything_ to do with you. See, _Pete and I_ performed our piece without so much as a hitch, and one could argue that we had it much harder, anyway. Whereas all you needed to do was turn a classroom into an aquarium—”

_“How is that easier?!”_

“—and managed to flood the school, conjure up a _mermaid_ , and nearly _drown_ Remus, which I suppose traumatized the poor lad, as now he’s collecting goldfish.”

He glances at the fishbowl beside Remus, populated by the fish he’d nearly swallowed. He narrows his eyes at the creature and it opens its mouth to send bubbles floating toward the surface.

_“I didn’t traumatize him, and he didn’t nearly drown.”_

_“Well…”_

“Ha! There you go. He even agrees.”

 _“I didn’t_ say _anything.”_

“To recap: my plan was foolproof, Pete and I snuck a squid into the school without a hitch and didn’t even get caught doing it—”

_“A baby squid.”_

_“Stop calling it a baby, won’t you!”_

“—all was perfectly planned for, and if Sirius hadn’t botched the one spell he was trusted with we all would have laughed it off in the morning and accepted our detentions with heads high like the dignified men we are.”

 _“Well_ _that's all fine and dandy_. _I’m standing by my point: Remus is to blame for all of this—he’s the one who made me botch my spell in the first place. If he had just kept watch like he was_ supposed _to be doing, I would have done just fine.”_

_“He has a fair point.”_

“Fine, Sirius. Go on ahead then. If you’re so sure you’re not to blame tell me how this whole thing played out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://riddleandpottersittinginatree.tumblr.com)


	4. Why Sirius' Wand Slipped

Sirius glances at Remus, who holds his gaze, eyebrows raised almost in challenge. Sirius glares. If Remus really thinks he’s going to say what _really_ happened and make a fool of himself, he’s wrong. He’d just do some… editing. Remus will be in the wrong either way, and Sirius won’t need to embarrass himself in the process of it.

He clears his throat. “James got everything prior to our aquarium correct, really. The pygmy puff operation was impossible to pull off without Peter and Remus, so we had to resort to desperate measures. I tried to talk Remus into it first, of course, but he was in his scholarly zen mode and we all know that there’s no shaking him out of that. So, when my efforts on Remus proved fruitless, Jamie and I moved onto Plan B: convincing Pete. Please know that I say this with nothing but the utmost affection—it was admittedly a much easier feat. 

“After we’d convinced Peter, Remus had no choice but to follow—majority rules and all that. We finally had the full force of the Marauders behind us, but as James said, we are _kind_ and _compassionate comrades,_ that of which would never let Peter throw a Charms exam, no matter how much the Slytherins deserve it. So, logically, the proper course of action was to get the Charms test out of the way completely.”

_“You’re really claiming this was the ‘logical course of action’?”_

_“Marauders run on a different plane of logic.”_

“Finally, our great minds were united toward a common goal—to wreak such great havok upon the Charms room that an exam couldn’t have possibly been held. We put our heads together, focusing on what could put the Charms classroom out of commision long enough for us to pull off the pygmy prank, which had been the end goal all along.

“And alas! Genius struck! James and I, the masterminds of the operation, realized exactly what we needed to do. The inspiration was, well… there wasn’t much inspiration at all, really, but the spark was Remus coming back from Hogsmead with that ruddy goldfish.”

_“Goliath would appreciate some respect, if you would.”_

“Honestly mate, who names a fish Goliath, anyway? I’ll bet Remus cursed the whole prank with that name alone—yet more proof that this is all his fault.”

_“I think you’d better make your first claim before you start blaming all of this nonsense on my goldfish.”_

“That’s a valid point. Let’s move on, shall we?

“Originally, James and Peter were supposed to target Filch’s office, not for any particular reason, really; it was just a good emphasis. Obviously that isn’t what happened as the entire school woke to a sea-creature swimming suspended in the Great Hall. Filch was forgotten and Remus and I stayed true to our part of the plan, which was charming Flitwick’s classroom underwater. 

“Despite what James would like to claim, _we_ were in charge of the tricky part. We started with water-proofing the entire classroom, because damage of property is a crime far more deserving of severe consequence, whereas some harmless underwater plants and sea-creatures could be sorted within a few days.

“It took ages to get the entire room, after which we needed to take a break to be sure we could actually fill the room with water, as that takes even _more_ effort than painstakingly charming every inch of the classroom. Meanwhile, all you two were doing is capturing a baby squid then carrying it around in your pocket.”

_“For Merlin’s sake, it doesn’t count as a baby!”_

“Invalid argument, Pete.”

_“Please, Sirius, do go on.”_

That’s Remus. Sirius glances at him, glaring the slightest bit. He’s sure Remus has been looking forward to seeing how Sirius will cover this up.

This is where Sirius edits.

Here’s what Sirius says: “Remus was supposed to be keeping watch, but of course we were both exhausted. Maybe if we had _four_ people to pull it off nothing would have gone wrong. James and Peter did take the easier prank, after all, and were done much earlier than scheduled, and yet—miraculously, they somehow ended up back in the common room while Remus and I hovered on the brink of death—”

 _“You said_ I’m _overdramatic.”_

“—no bother that Remus and I had no way to make it back to the common room without the cloak. So here we lie, Remus and I, sprawled out on the ground of Flitwick’s classroom while Remus was supposed to be keeping watch. He was too weakened, however, to move an inch, and I too sympathetic to request it when I felt just as drained. We laid there, all alone and with no one watching the door.”

Remus’ eyebrows are raised so high Sirius thinks they may pass right through his curly hair. Sirius can see him holding back laughter and contemplates throwing a shoe at his smug face.

James and Peter are listening, enraptured by Sirius’ not altogether accurate retelling.

Here’s the truer version of the story:

Remus was the one to volunteer himself and Sirius for the job of the charms classroom. Sirius thought this was all fine and dandy; Peter would need to be paired with either James or Remus to get the job done correctly, and Sirius and James might blow something up. Logically, it seemed the best scenario.

Roles were distributed. Plans were reviewed. All four boys crammed themselves beneath James’ cloak the best they could manage and off they went. All four made their way into the charms classroom and exchanged words of encouragement before Peter and James took off, taking the invisibility cloak with them, leaving Remus and Sirius alone to the task of creating an aquarium with nothing but their own magic. The task sounds more intimidating a feat than it was, truly, considering the fact that three of the four Marauders are self-taught animagi and Remus is smarter than the three of them combined. It’s stamina that was the problem.

Sirius and Remus were confident enough, though, and they made it through the first step without difficulty. This is where the story differs slightly.

It’s true that Remus was meant to be guarding the door and it’s true that the two were drained; the fib was Sirius’ claims about the time between the first and second phase, in which they laid on the floor, recovering from the strenuous use of their magic.

Let’s set the scene:

Sirius and Remus were lying side by side on their backs, close enough that their shoulders brushed when either one of the boys inhaled too deeply. “Okay,” Sirius breathed out, “that’s one part over with, isn’t it?”

“Sure is,” Remus nodded. “Do you suppose that was the hardest part?”

Sirius laughed. “Gods, I hope so.”

Remus laughed too, turning his head on its side to look at Sirius. Sirius turned his head as well, face hovering just inches from Remus’. This was fine. This wasn’t unusual for any of them, after all. Sirius had witnessed Peter get pantsed on the quidditch pitch third year, tighty whities and all. He’d seen James drool all over himself—and that’s meant in the most literal sense—the first time he tried to talk to Lily Potter. It isn’t as if there’s any modesty with the Marauders; they’d already seen the worst of each other.

Sirius didn’t like to admit that it was different with Remus. If James’ face were to lie where Remus’ currently was Sirius would be laughing, entirely comfortable, but with Remus’ face being the subject Sirius felt a drop in his stomach; his laughter fell away; his fingertips buzzed. The air seemed to thicken, and he was absolutely sure he was the only one to notice, as it was only him. This was his own body’s betrayal. This was his own heart’s doing.

Remus was still smiling, eyes on Sirius and Sirius’ eyes on his because Sirius has never been good at looking away.

Later, when he would tell James and Peter about how this entire debacle went wrong, he’d tell them that they laid on the floor exhausted for a few minutes longer than they should have. He won’t tell them that Remus chose that moment—of all the six years that they’d known each other, of the last two years Sirius had been stupidly infatuated—to kiss him.

It wasn’t unsure. Remus thinks things through, sometimes hard enough to give himself a nose-bleed, but once he’s decided he never grapples with the choice again. Remus’ kiss wasn’t timid or unsure; it was electric. It was a deep breath and a heavy exhale and forgetting to breathe all at once. Remus’ kiss was oxygen and the lack of it, a water-proof room and Sirius drowning. Sirius wanting to drown. Sirius not minding drowning because he’s so thirsty and half the water he inhales makes it down his throat, so surely he can come to terms with the half that settles down in his lungs.

Remus’ kiss was everything. 

Remus knew it too, that bastard. When he shifted to lean over Sirius’s frame he didn’t even pretend to object; he crumpled Remus’ dress shirt in his fists and clung to him like ivy, reached for his mouth, thought about biting his lip but didn’t because he was worried he’d scare Remus, as if a wrong move would take him away. Sirius had been waiting two years for this kiss, and damn it all if anything was going to steal it from him.

None of this Sirius says. Instead, sitting in the dormitory with his three fellow Marauders—one of whom he may be kind of, possibly, tentatively in love with, and the other two ignorant to the entire affair—he says, “We laid there, all alone and with no one watching the door, and suddenly, through the dead silence, we hear... a _meow._ ”

Peter gasps despite already having heard how this night went, possibly more than once.

_“Mrs. Norris.”_

“That’s right, Petey. Mrs. Norris. Her meow was clear, coming from just outside the door. We knew we had but seconds before Filch was behind her, so my instincts kicked in.”

“ _Instincts, he says.”_

“Yes, exactly. My instincts kicked in, so I pulled both Remus and myself into the storage closet and shut the door behind us, seconds before the door to the classroom opened, Filch’s voice echoing through the room.”

_“Will you cut down the dramatics a bit?”_

“This was a very dramatic situation.”

The truth is that the factual version was much more dramatic than even that.

That’s what Sirius says. This is what Sirius doesn’t say:

Remus was kissing Sirius and Sirius was kissing Remus back like the world might fall through if he stopped, but he was entirely convinced that if the world _were_ to fall through he wouldn’t notice. Sirius didn’t have space within him for anything but the taste of Remus and trying to touch him _everywhere everywhere everywhere_ and nowhere being enough. Godric Gryffindor could have strolled into the room and Sirius wouldn’t have spared a glance.

Sirius didn’t hear Mrs. Norris the first time, which is why, ultimately, Remus was the one to break the kiss. He must have anticipated Sirius’ protest, as he had a hand clamped over his mouth before so much as a sound could escape—which Sirius found himself quite thankful for at the time.

Then it came again, clearer this time—Mrs. Norris’ call, and where Mrs. Norris calls Filch comes running. Remus was up and off the ground in seconds, pulling Sirius hastily along with him. They made their way to the storage closet as quickly as they could without making a racket, or, alternatively, as quietly as they could without being caught in the open with Filch’s inevitable arrival. Arrive he did, only moments after Remus had pulled the door shut behind them. 

“Hello?” he snapped, accompanied by the audible purring of his familiar. “Who’s there?”

As Charms doesn’t tend to need many supplies, its storage space wasn’t so much a pantry as a very small closet, large enough to fit Remus, Sirius, and a line of shelves against the wall behind them. Sirius stood with his chest nearly flush against Remus’, heart beating against his ribs with a vengeance, though the cause he was unsure of. The adrenaline of nearly being caught by Filch, maybe, or just as likely the fact that Remus stood inches away, barely visible but for the light streaming through the gaps between the door and its frame, but even so, Sirius was sure he could see Remus’ swollen lips. The lips he had been kissing only minutes before, the lips that had been pressed against his own, which were still tingling. Now Remus was so _close_ and Filch was stalking the room and Mrs. Norris was making sounds of distress, but all Sirius could think was _Remus._ Just that, the singular noun; any elaboration was unnecessary because Remus was already everything. He was all encompassing.

Everything. Remus was everything. Remus was everything and Sirius’ heart might have been fighting its way out of his chest and neither of them was looking away. 

Meanwhile, on the other side of the door, Filch was muttering, Mrs. Norris’ mewls becoming progressively more distressed as time went on. Filch started whispering to her inaudibly while the two boys in the closet were hardly daring to breathe, unable to move from their current positions and standing much, much too close. 

Then, as if it would never come, they heard Filch’s footsteps leave the room. Still neither boy so much as shifted until they’d carried completely out of earshot. When Remus eventually spoke his whispered breath fanned Sirius’ face.

“You suppose Mrs. Norris followed him out?”

Sirius swallowed audibly, Remus surely hearing it from how close they stood. “I’d hope so. My calves are cramping.”

Sirius hadn’t expected Remus to buy into any excuse he made, of course, but he at least let it go. Instead he moved his hand to the doorknob and turned it tentatively, far more slowly than Sirius could stand.

“For fucks sake,” he said, pushing Remus’ hand out of the way and swinging the door open without pause. The classroom, as expected, was entirely deserted. “See? All is well.” He stepped out, trying and clearly failing to make it seem casual and not at all as if he was running away. He brushed off his robes and shoved his hands in the pockets in an attempt to cover their shaking. “Shall we?”

All of that is what Sirius absolutely, resolutely, does _not_ say. This is what he does:

“We hid in the closet for a while, waiting for Filch and Mrs. Norris to quit wandering the room like a bunch of first years trying to make it to Divination. We had to stay quiet, couldn’t speak, could barely _breathe,_ really, but we shouldered on, and soon enough Filch quit all his muttering and both of them went on their way.

“After, Remus and I got to talking about why Mrs. Norris granted us the mercy of our lives, and Remus guessed that all of the magic we’d laid down already threw off all of her cat senses, or whatever. Filch, being a squib and all, couldn’t have felt any of it. All of our water-proofing confused her enough to make her just turn around and leave.”

_“That’ll be a nifty trick, won’t it?”_

“So we escaped the ruddy closet to find the classroom empty, caught our breaths, and decided that it’d be best to get the bloody thing over with for good, as we’d spent half our time lying on the floor or crammed into a storage closet.

“This is where it all went wrong, see? This is the part of the story where you all realize that it really was Remus’ fault, the tricky little git. Now we’ve all suffered on his behalf, _especially_ me, who has had to face the both of your wrath for a crime I never committed.”

_“Get on with it, Jamie.”_

“Fine, then listen closely. We moved to the door, ready to cast the charm. Remus was next to me—beside my wand hand. At the start everything went swell. The classroom filled up quicker than we thought it would and I was sure that in just a few minutes we’d be finished, and I would be able to climb into my warm bed and sleep off all of this nonsense. Then... “ Peter is clinging to the edge of his bedsheets, leaning forward in anticipation. Only Merlin knows why. “Remus, in his magic-induced exhaustion, stumbled. Just a bit, hardly enough to do any damage, if not for the fact that he bumped my wand, and it went plummeting from my steady hand to the stone floor.

“Now, don’t be mistaken, Remus is a powerful wizard, but he isn’t nearly powerful enough to maintain the force we had holding back the water _and_ control the rapidly filling habitat at once. He lasted but a few seconds before he lost control, and suddenly the water came crashing down from above us and we were both submerged. The door was still shut behind us and the water just kept refilling—”

_“Well how the hell was the room still filling if you’d both lost your wands?”_

_“That would be because Sirius’ wand was still firing, James.”_

_“That’s- that doesn’t make sense. That takes wandless magic.”_

“Or,” Sirius interrupts impatiently, “accidental magic. If you’d ever bothered to hear me out you’d already know that.

“I must have still been worked up with adrenaline from the close call with Filch,” Sirius very intentionally does not look at Remus, “so when I dropped my wand my magic refused to disconnect; it just kept spitting out water, because _of course_ my magic would choose to wreak more destruction rather than protect the two of us from certain death.

“The water was upon us, and this was when—after six years of living with Remus—it came to my attention that he can’t swim.”

_“Yes, that would be an issue wouldn’t it.”_

“Did no one see fit to mention that _before_ I agreed to let him perform a dangerous water prank with me?”

_“Guess not, mate.”_

“It would have been appreciated, considering that Remus’ spell slipped and suddenly he wasn’t swimming toward the ceiling, but drowning.”

_“So that’s your argument, then? You’re blaming this all on the one of us who almost died?”_

“I am assigning blame fairly and justly.”

_“Well then, if I may, I believe it’s my turn.”_

_“That it is.”_

_“Brilliant. Firstly, I’m going to admit that I’m to blame for every mishappening in this prank.”_

_“You’re- what?”_

_“You heard me correctly. This was my fault, but not for any reason that Sirius has spit out for you. Sirius, in fact, has been quite dishonest.”_

“I’ve been nothing _but_ honest!”

_“Sirius gave you fragments of the truth. Now, as it’s my turn, I’m going to give you the full truth.”_

Sirius’ eyes boggle at Remus, who does nothing but smile. Sirius wants to assure himself that Remus surely wouldn’t, but looking at him, he realizes that he most certainly would.

Remus flicks his wand and fish-flakes rain down from the air just above the bowl. His newest fish tucks in, snatching up every bit in less than thirty seconds. Sirius glares at it for no particular reason aside from spite.

_“We’ll start from after we finished phase one.”_

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://riddleandpottersittinginatree.tumblr.com)


	5. Why it Truly Was Remus' Fault

Truthfully speaking, this really is Remus’ fault—he can admit that. It’s his fault that all four Marauders have swallowed a fish or two on occasion. It’s his fault that they’re still serving detentions. It’s his fault there’s still a mermaid enclosed in the Charms classroom (although she is quite friendly). It’s definitely his fault that Sirius is the one James has put the blame on. It was, ultimately, his wand that flooded the school, but Remus is the reason there are two squids rather than one now residing in the Great Lake, and the reason they keep finding seaweed growing in corners.

The funniest bit is Remus can only manage to regret it, barely, if he’s trying very, very hard. Perhaps a guilt-trip from James will do the trick.

Here’s what Remus says:

“As Sirius said, we were left in the Charms classroom to carry out the most difficult part of the ordeal. We did just fine on the water-proofing bit, absolutely drenching the room with our magic, which would eventually spare us the wrath of Filch. Although, if we _had_ been caught then, the penalty likely would have been much less severe than it is now, considering we successfully flooded the castle shortly thereafter.

“But no matter. Sirius and I water-proofed the classroom with no difficulty aside from leaving us a bit drained. Then, as Sirius said, we laid on the floor and stayed there for some time. Neither of us was watching the door or paying much attention to anything at all.”

Remus doesn’t say: He wasn’t paying attention to much of anything at all because he never does when Sirius is in his vicinity. Sirius takes up too much space in his field of vision. He’s bright enough to cast the background to shadow. Sirius leaves no room for anything else but him.

“Listen up lads, what I’m about to say might be shocking and I can’t have you all messing up my story. Please save all comments and questions for the end.”

_“Er, okay.”_

_“Yeah…?”_

_“Dear fucking Merlin I cannot bloody believe this you coniving little prick you stupid prat you absolutely aggravating twat-”_

“Good, then we’re agreed.

“We all know Sirius is dramatic, but he was being _particularly_ dramatic just now describing our exhaustion. We were tired out, but I could have easily watched the door. Sirius could have been up and moving and preparing for the next phase. We weren’t rendered useless by a couple minutes of water-proof charms. I mean, honestly.

“We were lying there kind of laughing in relief and catching our breaths, so I turned my head to look at Sirius laughing and he turned his head to look at me.”

Remus doesn’t say that the first time he thought about kissing Sirius was during third year. It didn’t come as a shock or a punch to the gut. It didn’t strike like lightning. It wasn’t any sort of bomb-drop; they were simply sitting in the common room playing wizard’s chess (Remus had gotten very into it that year, and Sirius was the only one willing to lose repeatedly to him, pride be damned) and Remus thought, _I would very much like to kiss him right now._ And that was that.

Remus thought about kissing Sirius a lot after that. He’d even say that he thought nearly _exclusively_ about kissing Sirius the rest of third year. Fourth year was no less tortuous, but at the very least Remus grew used to the dull ache present in his chest whenever Sirius was near, which was to say, constantly. He grew used to the odd warmth ballooning in his chest and the deep weight that settled in his stomach; the tug between joy and sorrow, the war between loving him and hating him more than anything. Hating that he couldn’t have him. Loving that he could, sort of, and learning to be okay with that.

He loved Sirius. He loved Sirius a lot. He loved Sirius too much, actually, but it couldn’t have been helped.

Fifth year brought an entirely new sort of pain; primarily the pain of seeing Sirius change into his pyjamas before bed in the dormitory, not bothering to go to the bathroom because they never had. The pain of endless charmed curtains and lovestruck wanks; the pain of Sirius being _so fucking fit._ Worse was the pain of Sirius’ sudden evolution to the horny prat he is and the beginning of his endless escapades, Remus having to witness Sirius’ newfound sexual awakening. Remus can’t recall a pain more severe than the time Sirius came into the dormitory glowing, bursting to tell his three best friends about sleeping with Tessie Dendrons, how it was _Brilliant, just brilliant! You guys have gotta try it._ Remus couldn’t leave the room fast enough.

That hurt more than a full moon.

Fifth year was filled with Remus thinking a lot about shagging someone, _anyone,_ other than Sirius but not being able to bring himself to do it. Sexual frustration and being stupidly in love, more so than even before if that were possible. 

Six months into the year Remus thought he had finally come to terms with the fact that he was very, very in love with his very, very heterosexual best friend and was almost positive he would be in love with Sirius for the rest of his life. Not that he wouldn’t move on eventually, maybe, but it felt too deep and too real a thing to ever just… fade. Remus had resigned himself to the fact that he may be in love with his best friend for the rest of time. 

Then, two months before school ended, Sirius told the three of them that he’d slept with a boy.

He dropped it casually—because Sirius was never anything but casual—but there was a sort of tremor in his voice. He was afraid, and for no good reason it seemed, as Peter had only blinked a few times before shrugging and James had given him a high-five. _Good on you, mate._

Remus stood up and left.

He’d regret it later when he returned to the dormitory to see Sirius with red-rimmed eyes, realizing that Sirius hardly cried. He’d regret it when Sirius wouldn’t meet his eyes for three days and Remus couldn’t bring himself to explain, because how do you say _I didn’t walk out on one of the most important moments of our friendship because I’m homophobic, really. I walked out because I’m desperately in love with you and it hasn’t destroyed me yet simply because I was able to pin it onto the fact that you like girls exclusively and that you couldn’t be with me even if you wanted to. I walked out because I no longer have to live with the fact that I’m in love with my straight best friend, but rather the fact that I’m in love with my bent best friend with nothing to soften the blows on my heart._

You know, casually.

Sirius only did casual.

Then James punched him, so Remus told Sirius that of course he didn’t think of him any differently for sleeping with a bloke, and of course he would never love him any less, so shut up about it and quit crying, please.

Of course he would never love him any less; that was the entire problem, but how would Remus have said that?

Remus doesn’t say: During the first week of astronomy the entire class snickered as Professor Lyptus told them about _Sirius, the brightest star in the sky,_ including Sirius himself. No one noticed that Remus didn’t laugh, not even a half-arsed attempt at faking one; Remus was thinking that, yes, that’s exactly what Sirius was. Bright and blinding and entirely unattainable, unreachable. He thought about kissing Sirius, and he thought that he would taste how stars must feel in your palm, cool to the touch but warmer than anything. He was thinking that stars must be like sand in the way that the tighter you grasp the quicker they slip through your fingers. Remus was thinking, _Yes, Sirius is most certainly a star._

And the rest of the classroom laughed, because to anyone else Sirius was nothing more than a destructive force of mischief and mayhem. Sirius was okay with that, but Remus couldn’t believe it. If not a star Sirius was a supernova. A natural disaster. How clear it was to him.

He doesn’t say: _When I was thirteen I thought about Sirius’ lips and never stopped._

He says the most simplified thing he can. “I kissed him.”

_Four beats of silence. Six. Ten._

_“Well,” a cough, “it’s about bloody time.”_

_“Look at this lad—blushing. Can you believe this is the same bloke who came into our dormitory at two am and told us about his night with Posy Rosewood in excruciating detail?”_

_“Could it really be… could our Sirius really have… feelings?”_

_“Shut it, both of you.”_

He says: “I kissed him.”

He doesn’t say: _I kissed Sirius and it felt as if I’d gone supernova. I kissed Sirius and he kissed me back and the world caved in at the edges. The world narrowed down to him and I, where his hands gripped my shirt and mine touched his face and our lips moved together like something otherworldly, like two stars, like the sun touching the moon, like something that should not be but would always be; something inevitable._

He doesn’t say that the Earth once had two moons, but because gravity and projectile movement are uncontrollable and because the universe is a fickle, cruel thing the two collided. One survived. He doesn’t say that he’s afraid of the world and what it can do to us; he’s afraid of love and what it can do to us.

He says: “I kissed him and we got a bit… distracted, you see. We got a bit wrapped up in it all, and Sirius wasn’t paying any attention, characteristically, so I was the one who needed to pry him off of me.”

 _“There was no_ prying _.”_

“There _was_ prying, and there was an equal amount of dragging. I managed to get the two of us in the closet and the door closed just before Filch and Mrs. Norris came in, and that was all about the same. We stood there for a long time, practically wrapped around each other with how small the closet was. Finally the two of them left and Sirius went bursting out of the closet like he was headed to war.

“The classroom was completely empty. Sirius looked at me, except he didn’t really. Sirius was very stubbornly refusing to meet my eyes. His gaze was locked onto the floor we charmed shiny and he wouldn’t raise his eyes to meet mine no matter how many times I said his name, and that just couldn’t have done, could it? We were going to talk about it or we were going to snog some more—none of this avoidance business. But Sirius wasn’t cooperating.”

Remus doesn’t say: _I wanted to kiss him so badly that I thought my chest would turn inside out,_ or, _all I wanted him to do was look at me,_ or, _our first kiss was not going to be our last._

“So I asked, ‘shall we?’, and Sirius agreed that yes, we might as well, and now we approach the part in which I cannot deny that I was stupid.”

_“Incredibly stupid.”_

“Right, as if you were any better, prat.

“We moved to the doorway and stood beside each other, although Sirius did lie, here. We have opposite wand-hands, right? So we stood with his right hand on his far side and my left hand on my far side so that neither of our wand hands were next to each other. This was to prevent precisely the lie Sirius stuck in his cover-up story. I certainly didn’t _bump_ him. We’re not first-years.

“We started filling up the classroom and like he said, it was much easier than we figured it would be. There was a sort of magical charge between us—a result of doing such powerful magic side-by-side, surely, and in a room already drenched in our magic no less—but Sirius wasn’t acknowledging it. He wasn’t even _looking_ at me. So I did what any reasonable man would do and got his attention. I leaned over just barely and pressed our shoulders together, which, if anything, made our magic _stronger,_ so I’m really not sure what he’s complaining about.”

Remus doesn’t say: _electric_.

“He didn’t pull away from it, so I sort of crept slowly until I stood behind him, my wand still casting.”

Remus doesn’t say: _heart pounding, blood rushing._

“Sirius was hardly breathing, which I found incredibly satisfying. He was right there, and I’m telling you our magic was crackling like nothing you’ve ever felt before. I stepped forward so that my front was pressed to his back, my left arm still held out around him to keep casting. Nothing weakened. Again, the room was filling faster.”

Remus doesn’t say: _heat, heat, heat._

“I wanted to kiss him, you know, but I wasn’t foolish enough to think _that_ wouldn’t break his concentration. Or mine, for that matter. So I wrapped my spare arm around his waist and rested my head on his shoulder…”

 _“This isn’t fair. Why do you two get to be_ cute _?”_

 _“We were not_ cute _, Pete.”_

_“I mean, you are kind of adorable.”_

_“Shut it, James, or I’ll kick you both out.”_

“Sirius was trembling a little, all worked up, but we just kept casting and we were getting stronger the longer we touched. The room was almost full, so I figured right then was my chance.

“I turned my head so my left cheek rested on his shoulder and placed just the _barest, slightly there_ kiss against his neck. It wasn’t even a kiss really, my lips just brushed his skin, but apparently that was too much, and he did indeed drop his wand.”

Remus didn’t say: _exhilarating_.

“This part was true and kind of remarkable: when Sirius dropped his wand his magic didn’t stop firing. Water was still shooting out the tip of his wand and I was suddenly putting all of my force into keeping the shield up with Sirius’ water still increasing, and Sirius couldn’t get to his wand fast enough.”

Remus cringes here, almost bracing himself to tell this part of the story. It was, after all, a bit traumatizing. Wordlessly, Sirius crosses the room and sits on the ground beside Remus’ feet, reaching his hand up for Remus to hold in his lap. He smiles down at Sirius gratefully.

“I put my back to the water and pulled Remus in front of me so he didn’t get the full force of the water to his face. That really wouldn’t have gone well.”

_“And Remus likes my pretty face too much to let a couple thousand gallons of water break my nose.”_

“Right, we’ll go with that.

“The water hit us like a wall and we were completely submerged in half an instant. Sirius started swimming up assuming, fairly, that I’d be following, but as we’ve established I never learned how to swim. So, basically, I was drowning. Sirius’ wand was still by my feet and it seemed like it was _still_ spitting out water, which meant that the air pocket at the top of the room was getting smaller by the second and both of us were still trapped. I had mine, but it wasn’t going to be much help as the only wordless magic I can cast is _lumos_ and maybe an _expelliarmus_ or _stupefy_ on a good day.

“Sirius was panicking and I was drowning and I guess his magic was still worked up enough to take control, because the door behind me burst open. I got pulled out with the wave of water, as well as Sirius and then Sirius’ wand, which, believe it or not, was _still firing._ ”

_“I couldn’t turn it off!”_

_“Kind of brilliant though, isn’t it mate?”_

“Then Sirius, this prat, didn’t even check on me before he snatched up his wand and ran back to the door to fill up the classroom, as apparently that was still our priority. So I blocked him with my magic from where I was still laying on the _bloody floor,_ and next thing I know the Charms room is an aquarium and also there’s a mermaid.”

_“Yeah, how exactly did you manage the mermaid, anyway?”_

_“Dunno. Luck I reckon.”_

_“So let me straighten this out,”_ James says. _“This is Remus’ fault because he was trying to seduce Sirius and Sirius can’t keep his prick in his pants?”_

_“Hey!”_

_“No.”_ That’s Pete _. “It’s Remus’ fault because Sirius is in love or something and can’t keep his shit straight when Remus is within a six-foot radius.”_

_“That’s entirely false!”_

“Precisely.”

_“Okay, then. I think we know the rest of the story from, here, yeah?”_

Remus says: “Yeah, seems so.”

Here’s what Remus doesn’t say:

He laid on the floor watching Sirius looking fierce as a bloody warlock. He watched, out of breath for reasons entirely independent of his recent drowning. Sirius stopped, and at some point there had appeared a mermaid with one of those aquarium-castle toys greatly enlarged in the corner. There was sea-kelp all along the floor and all sorts of underwater creatures meandering around the habitat. Remus was marvelling and wondering where all of that could have possibly _come from,_ and if it really had all come out of Sirius. Then Sirius spun around and Remus’ mouth went dry.

He looked furious to the point of terror.

“Oh Merlin,” Remus murmured.

“You absolute _wanker_ ,” Sirius hissed. “You could have _died,_ you dim-witted, dung-brained, idiotic _tosser_ , I could kill you. I could kill you right now.”

“Technically,” Remus sort of mumbled, “I wasn’t the one who dropped the wand.”

Sirius’ eyes narrowed dangerously. “Stand up.” 

“Er-”

“Stand _up, Remus.”_ Remus did, for fear of his life, and Sirius strode over like he might clock Remus right in the jaw. He braced himself but the boy stopped just a foot in front of him. “You could have died,” he breathed out. “I could have killed you.”

“You never would have let that happen.”

“Beside the point.”

“I’m sorry.” Remus meant it.

Sirius dropped his head, leaning it against Remus’ chest. “You stupid, stupid, boy.”

“You wouldn’t look at me.” It seemed much more stupid now that Remus said it aloud.

Sirius actually let out a breathy laugh. “If all you wanted was attention, Remus, there are easier ways to do it than drowning.”

“Yes, I can see that now.”

Sirius snorted and lifted his head. “The water’s still going, you know. I think it’s creating itself now. The whole school’s going to flood.”

Remus glanced around them, only then being able to focus on anything aside from Sirius, which wasn’t honestly very uncommon. The water was indeed still rushing although now the source was unclear. “Well, that complicates things.”

He looked back only because Sirius had placed both palms on his face. “Let’s make this part simple then, shall we?” Remus could only nod before Sirius was on him.

He flicked his wand mid-kiss, miraculously managing a wordless drying charm on the two of them. He stood there kissing Sirius, not a single inch of him dripping yet still feeling underwater. This was an entirely different sort of drowning. This was an entirely different sort of breathless. 

Remus didn’t mind it much at all.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://riddleandpottersittinginatree.tumblr.com)


	6. And Everything that Happened After

“We know the story after that,” James says. “The entire school woke up to the smell of fish and anywhere from the third floor down was flooded with at least an inch or two of lake water.”

Pete picks up. “The squid baby hung around in the Great Hall for a week or so before anyone could get around to moving him-”

“-as they were preoccupied with clearing out all of the water,” Sirius adds.

“Professor Kettleburn decided that the squid baby was far too traumatized to consider relocating, so he was moved into the lake permanently.”

“They cleaned up the water in the Great Hall. And the hallways. And the dormitories.”

“But not the Charms classroom.”

Sirius grins. “Thanks to me, the Charms classroom has remained an aquarium since, housing a few grindylows, many exotic fish, and Miss Grace the mermaid, all of which have yet to be removed.”

“If you ask me,” Pete says, “Headmaster Dippet has been entranced by her.”

“Can’t blame him, can you?”James says wistfully, eyes glazing over a bit.

“And to this day,” Remus announces, speaking for the first time, “there are goldfish in the tap-water.” 

“Which you have so graciously taken to rehoming,” Sirius says dryly, nodding to the fish tanks on either side of Remus’ bed.

“And, what, you two are going out?” Pete asks.

Sirius looks up at Remus from the floor, their hands still intertwined on Remus’ lap. “Dunno, actually. Are we?”

Remus smiles at him—a soft, fond thing. “I flooded the school and nearly drowned, Sirius. I think I’ve earned it.”

“Well then,” James says, standing and brushing off his hands. “We’ve established that this is Remus’ fault, so he can be the one to go down to the kitchens and ensure that I get some water that doesn’t taste like squid.”

“I suppose that’s fair enough,” Remus says resignedly. He stands as well. “Sirius, my love, you have a bit of seaweed in your hair.” The boy’s hands fly to his head as he flushes. 

“Stop and say hello to Miss Grace for me, won’t you?” James calls after him.

As soon as he’s left the room both boys turn to look at Sirius, eyebrows raised.

“I didn’t ask to be so good looking, alright?” he defends. When James clears his throat pointedly Sirius rolls his eyes. “And it isn’t my fault that he’s not half bad, either.”

“Whipped,” Pete coughs into his hand.

“Oh, come off it.”

“Leave him be,” James says, elbowing Peter. “We wouldn’t want to work him up too much and have one of us drowned.”

“Or even worse,” Pete shudders. “ _Kissed._ ”

“Or even _worse_ ,” James replies. “ _In love_.”

“No one is in love, you tossers.”

James hums. “Of course not.”

The goldfish circles its bowl blissfully. He’s the only one to witness Sirius crawling into Remus’ bed that night and falling asleep in his arms. He’s certainly the only one to overhear their hushed words, and the only one to know that James was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr [here](http://riddleandpottersittinginatree.tumblr.com)


End file.
